It is  5 am and I am sure the boys will be up in a hour, so I am enjoying the quiet inside and the darkness outside.

Yesterday we were talking about our first Christmas with the boys.  I couldn’t remember much. Sadly. We had no visits to Santa – no way I was taking 2 babies on oxygen to the mall. At the last minute, bolstered by a visit from Tony’s brother, a huge tree was installed. However, we had about 6 ornaments so it looked somewhat sparse. I am not sure if we even bought any presents, we were still shell shocked, not just from the death of Aidan and the 11 weeks in the NICU but the gravity of the situation and the uncertainty of the future. Presents just didn’t seem to matter.

I remember subsequent Christmas days just fine. The next year brought a tiny tree but presents scattered around the floor. The boys were standing and with some help taking very tentative footsteps, more delighted with the boxes than the actual gifts. And then their third Christmas, when we moved to California. After ripping open presents we spent the day running in the rain and the surf on the beach before seeking shelter and fish ‘n chips.

When the boys were 3 1/2 we had finally moved to out house.  Victor was STILL in the throngs of his balloon obsession so we bought a helium tank and Tony spent Christmas Eve filling hundreds of balloons. When the boys awoke they were greeted with a rainbow forrest hanging from mid air! Victor was speechless.

I can remember every Christmas except that first one, and it bothers me, because Christmas is a time to remember. Stress, PTSD, and sleep deprivation have left a layer of impenetrable grime on that memory.

So if I were doing it all again we would still have had a sparse Christmas, but I would have taken pictures, written in a journal, or shot some video. Something to trigger the memories.

My camera is loaded, I will snap pictures as they squeal about the Zhu Zhu pets and all the assorted goodies left by Santa. And if Santa heard me and I’ve been a good girl hopefully I will get that new ipod with the video recorder!

Merry Christmas everyone!